IRL and the vMPFC

PRE-POST: This is a very special post, written mainly by a guest writer, at my invitation, in response to a question about life as we move through it. DO NOT assume that because my question is couched in a life transition called "retirement" that it does not apply to most every life at some point or another.

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IRL? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Oh, I know it represents "In Real Life" but what does THAT mean? Let's engage our vMPFCs: vertral Medial Prefrontal Cortex, that region of the brain that increases in activity when we are introspecting about our selfs. (Or is it selves?) How do you know when and if your are living in reality? Do we just make it up as we go and that becomes reality? Does fate deal us a hand called real life and the best we can hope for is g(G)uidance on how best to play it?

More than a few of my grade school and junior high teachers commented on my report cards that I tended to do a lot of daydreaming. A lot of that daydreaming had to do with me putting myself into fanciful roles: maybe Ringo Starr was sick and The Beatles would call and ask if I could sit in for him on drums when they played on The Ed Sullivan Show. I bet the class bully would want to be my best buddy after that.

As I'm zigging and zagging my way through a maze of finding an identity as an old retired boomer, I get lost in a sort of thought fog. The newswriting lesson of key questions I learned back in my days as a journalism major in college comes back: Who? What? Where? When? and How? Is this harmless daydreaming, self-introspection, or, as the kids say: "getting inside my own head"?

I want to know more about this. Is it productive? Why does it feel like being STUCK sometimes? Is there potential for creativity, maybe a little self-actualization here?

I need professional help. Thankfully I know a girl.

She is a "mental performance consultant".

So, Dr. Brooke Fuller: I know your main focus is on athletics, but any words for a cranky, old wayfarer whose tennis racket is gathering dust on the closet shelf?

dr. brooke fuller, her husband and our son kyle, and theIR amazing family.

Maybe this daydreaming/introspection is a blend of harmless mental wandering on your quest to continue your creative ways; or it could also be searching for answers or grappling with unresolved thoughts or emotions.

You mentioned finding an identity as an old retired boomer. My first thought was Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. Many theories discuss development up to adulthood and then stop; Erikson, as you probably already know, continues his stages through one's entire lifespan.

The eighth stage, integrity vs. despair, involves a retrospective look back at your life and either feeling satisfied that life was well-lived (integrity, which is characterized by acceptance, sense of wholeness/success, feelings of wisdom) or regretting missed opportunities or choices (despair, which is characterized by bitterness, rumination over mistakes, feeling unproductive). Retirement is one of the life events that triggers this stage.

This past week I worked on a project for a university that seems relatable. They want to better prepare their athletes when they transition out of their sport. In my presentation, I shared with them how transitioning out of their sports career can be a significant life change and result in fear or uncertainty about future plans and loss of: identity, motivation, purpose, structured routine, social support (teammates/coaches), confidence, or external validation.

Maybe retiring from a career brings similar experiences.

Introspection is a healthy practice, but it is beneficial to handle it with care. Those who take self-reflection too far, may end up feeling more anxious, stressed, and depressed than ever (Eurich, 2017). You mentioned the newswriting lesson of key questions: Who? What? Where? When? and How? It’s good you are asking these and avoid the Why? questions. Why questions can stir up negative emotions and highlight our shortcomings, whereas What questions help direct us to stay curious and positive about the future. Creativity! Self-actualization!

"What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization.” Maslow, 1943

What you can be, you must be! And I’m looking forward to it!

The realization of one’s full potential. Let’s add more introspective questions to the mix. What would your life look like here? What would have to happen to reach self-actualization? What is your full potential? What stones lie unturned? What’s next on your path to achieving your full potential? Or have you already?

Above self-actualization on the hierarchy, added later on, is self-transcendence. Realizing that we are one small part of a greater whole, and acting as such. We focus on others instead of ourselves. These experiences bring joy, peace, and a well-developed sense of awareness.

Someone who is highly self-transcendent may experience plateau-like experiences when they consistently maintain a state of higher perspective. Now, I’m not saying you have or have not reached self-actualization, but from the outside looking in, you have plowed right through to the top and hang out on the plateau landing of self-transcendence.

When it comes to productivity, daydreaming and self-introspection can be a double-edged sword. On one side, they can lead to creativity and self-actualization, as you explore ideas and reflect on experiences. On the flip side, if it feels like you're simply spinning your wheels without direction, it might seem unproductive. Out of all the athletes I’ve worked with, when they say “I can’t get out of my head,” it comes down to overthinking.

In sports, overthinking is, more often than not, unhelpful so we aim to relax the mind/relax the body, utilize effective thoughts, create goals and action plans, learn grounding techniques, implement pre-performance routines, enhance confidence and more, focus on what we can control and let go of the things we can’t…and many other awesome mental tools we use to calm the mind and quiet the rumination. Maybe some of these things can help a retired Boomer. ??

So how do you make the most out of this daydreaming, introspection, and zig zagging? Here are just a few ideas.

Embrace Creativity: Let your thoughts run free, but then take captive those creative ideas or recurring themes and run with them! Jot them down and do something with them!

Ground Yourself: When you feel stuck. Ground yourself in the present moment. This can help you shift from feeling STUCK, to a more intentional thinking. Take a walk, notice your senses, taste the food, smell the roses, hear the sounds, feel your feet on the ground, the wind in your hair (wink, wink).

Set Small Goals: If you find yourself daydreaming, to a point you are not fond of, give yourself a bit of structure. Consider which areas you'd like to explore or resolve and which ones to let go.

These moments of “thought fog” can be valuable, but the key is finding a balance that allows for both introspection and action.

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Is it okay for a guy to ask his daughter-in-law for free advice and then post it for all to see so that everyone gets free advice? If you didn't find something useful in her words, then I would suggest you read them again. If you found something you would like to explore further, visit www.fullermindset.com.

Thank you Brooke! Thank you for giving and for encouraging. Thank you for being a wonderful friend, wife to our son, mom to our grands.

Signing off now with the lyrics to a song from the mid-60s which was a part of the playlist for my first coming-of-age.

DAYDREAMIN'
By Lovin' Spoonful

What a day for a daydream
What a day for a daydreamin' boy
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
And even if time ain't really on my side
It's one of those days for takin' a walk outside
I'm blowin' the day to take a walk in the sun
And fall on my face on somebody's new mowed lawn

THE GLUE

I DON’T KNOW THESE WOMEN; and yet, I do. I know them well. I was literally raised in church; enrolled in the “Cradle Roll Department” of the Brookside Baptist Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, at just a few weeks of age. This picture was posted on Facebook by my friend Phillip Mitchell along with this comment: “These ladies were the glue that held the Ada Church of God In Christ together! Much love to them for all the prayers they sent up for us!”.

I say we are friends but I’ve yet to met Phillip face to face. I know him only by his work, his calling and his obvious commitment to youth and the arts—two of my highest priorities. And in this passion, he and I are kindred spirits.

I have been in many, many churches in my life and in every one of those churches, if it still has a heartbeat, there is a core of women who are THE GLUE. They hold it together through the “prayers they send up for us”, through their discipline, their discipleship and their determination.

My Dad was a Baptist pastor for most of my life. His mother, his wife and his sister, Betty were church glue too. Sometime back, Baptist leadership (men) decided it was time to proclaim a twisted version of the Bible that somehow made the role of women as subservient to men. This took on varying degress of craziness and application. It was an exercise in blindness as far as I could tell. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

One day, not to many years ago, my Aunt Betty Brady was visiting my parents home. We were there too. We were all crowded in the kitchen while the meal was being prepared. Something was said about trends in the Baptist church and the role of women. My Dad made a comment about how he could see where the view came from with a strict reading of Paul’s letters. I don’t remember his exact words, but I remember my Aunt Betty’s: “Oh, Brother, you know better than that!” And he did too. I never remember my Dad, after that day, commenting on the role of women except to maybe acknowledge that: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galations 3:28.

Glue indeed! It seems like we’re geared to think of the pastor’s sermon on Sunday morning as being the pinnacle of the church’s being. Try sustaining a church that only had that. Even Billy Graham needed a choir. If you look deeply into the life of a church you’ll find music, fellowship—being together usually around the table, you’ll find Vacation Bible School, Sunday School, ministries to the shut-in, the poor, the grieving—meals taken to the home, funeral dinners, and just being present. Where would all of that be without the Glue?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that the only thing men are good for is changing the oil on the church bus. Sometimes I think it would be easier to pick new carpet for the sanctuary if the women weren’t in that business meeting, but I would hate to see that carpet.

I’m just saying: Phillip’s post helped me to remember the wonderful, beautiful women who have served and given and prayed, not for notoriety or a title, but because they seemed called to do it somehow. They seemed to understand the need for Glue. Now, more than ever.

Thank you to all of those women and to the women of the Ada Church of God in Christ. Please send up some prayers for us all.

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P.S.: I asked Phillip’s permission to share this. I wanted you to see his reply because it is rich with truth.

Dave,

Thank you for your very kind words of reassurance and your well wishes for our family. We are indeed well and offer our best wishes to you and yours as well.

One of the reasons that young people of today suffer…is because they don’t have the support system that you and I had. What is a support system? It’s the Glue!

The ladies that you see in that picture never hesitated to open the door to anyone who knocked. Many of them were single women, but you could still count on them to open their door, and extend their love to anyone they encountered. The men too in our neighborhood, never hesitated to show somebody else’s kid how to comb his hair, tie a tie, change his oil, or fix his lawn mower.

This is where I learned the importance of being a godmother or a godfather to kids who are not your own. On February 22nd at the Oklahoma history center, through the organization that you helped to start, P’Light Society Jazz Inc., I had the opportunity to present community awards to several individuals who have shown this magnificent trait!

I would like to send you more information and pictures as well as video of that incredible day. You certainly have our blessings on sharing the pictures from our humble beginnings!

Have a spectacular day my friend!

PMM

EXAMPLE SETTING

I DON’T REMEMBER the first time I was told, “you’re setting the example for others,” but I do still feel the weight of that admonition.

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking at the memorial service of a good friend, a man I hold in high regard. We’ll call him Dave. Also speaking at the memorial was Dave’s son, let’s call him Kent. Kent told this story about his dad:

One evening at meal time Mom (let’s call her Barbara) called Dave to the table and passed a bowl of mixed vegtables. “What is this!?” Dave asked and added, “I’m not eating this!” Barbara surprised said, “Why not, you’ve eaten this dish for 30 years?!” Dave replied, “The kids are grown and gone and I’m tired of setting the example.”

Example Setting is serious business. As I said, it’s weighty and fraught with danger. What if I hold myself up as an example and then prove unworthy? I mean, look at me (but don’t follow me), I watch too much TV. I need to exercise more. I don’t floss as often as I should. My attitude and outlook often is not what you want someone to strive toward. According to many I’m unpatriotic, although I disagree and therefore I am belligerent. You get the picture.

Thankfully, God provides grace and filters that somehow let our kids see a better version of ourselves than may be real. For example, look at me and then look at our two sons: they are good husbands and great fathers, they are honest, hard-working, humble and good example-setters.

I know what you’re thinking! And, you’re right! Look at their mother!

I’m trying to be a good example for our grandkids, but I’m still going to pick the mushrooms off my pizza and watch as much Sponge Bob as they want to watch.

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”

— Mark Twain

HEY, SLOW DOWN

THIS MORNING I’M DOING SOME SLOW THINKING. I needed the perfect soundtrack for this. Mile Davis’ “Kind Of Blue” is just right.

I’ve read Gladewell’s “Blink”. I’ve tried to read Daniel Kahneman’s “Thinking, Fast and Slow”. Without getting mired down in the deep stuff of his ideas, he says we need to do more slow thinking. An example in his book demonstrates whether a person solves a problem "quickly with little conscious deliberation" or through reflective, slow thinking:

A bat and a ball cost $1.10. The bat costs $1.00 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?

So, did you solve it fast; or slow?

It’s no secret, I enjoy YouTube. I just love that people are creating this amazing content and sharing it so socially. Some of my favorites are:

• MonaLisa Twins

• Marques Brownlee

• Pomplamoose Music

• Casey Neistat

• Memphis Drum Shop

  Numerous road-tripping vlogs like:

• Drivin and Vibin

• Travelling K

Lately, my obsession is with vlog called “Cruising The Cut”. Did you know that there are canals all across Great Britain? They were cut through the land in the 1700s. Today, there are people who cruise these canals on “narrow boats”. These boats are just under seven feet wide and 40 to 60 feet long. These are live-aboard boats. One of the guys that lives on board a narrow boat, cruises the cut at speeds up to two miles an hour and vlogs about it is a guy named David Johns.

Yes, two miles an hour. And I sit and watch video after video of him doing this slow cruise. I’ve mentioned this to a few people and they say, “What?” If I can convince them to watch one with me, they’re hooked.

It reminds me of the value to going slow, of taking in the sights, of paying attention.

Our great friend, mentor and travel advisor, Doug Manning is always encouraging us to take the “blue highways” as we travel. Those are the blue roads on the map, the ones less traveled these days. Any time we’re ready to hit the road Doug tells us the route to take and it rarely involves Interstate highways. He also is a human atlas and knows the sights to see along America’s byways. His mode of travel demands slowness.

Recently on the Airstream website, they had a survey you could take and it would tell you what kind of traveler you are, and, of course, what model of Airstream you need to do that kind of traveling. I took a look at the survey and thought: this is stupid, but I was waiting on my truck to be serviced so I took it. Here’s a screenshot of the results:

Hmmm, maybe not so stupid afterall.

About that bat and ball; if you’re a “fast” thinker like apparently 86% of the test takers are, you answered: 10 cents. And you would be wrong.

Want a chance to slow down and solve it properly? Go.

I feel like I am slowing down, that probably comes with becoming a man-of-a-certain-age. But I like going slower. I drink my morning cup from a insulated tumbler kind of vessel. It holds a little more and lasts me all morning. I read slower these days, not because I can no longer read phrases rather than just words, but because I want to see what words the writer has chosen. I think all good writers agonize over the choice of a word and I should honor that.

Even when I practice at my drum set, which I do most every day, I’ve slowed down. I used to press hard to develop more and more stick speed. Now I play for nuance. I remember my jazz band instructer yelling at me that the bass drum should be felt and not heard. I vehemently disagreed (in my mind) with him at the time, now; I play that way. I agree that the space between the notes is just as important as the notes themselves.

No doubt by now you’ve figured out that the correct answer is five cents. Way to slow down. Makes you wonder what else you’re missing by being all in a big rush doesn’t it?