JUST A SUGGESTION

SOMETIMES IT JUST DEPENDS on how you look at it. Or, [cue The Twilight Zone theme song] how you're told to look at it.

My Dad grew up in Louisiana. When we would travel there to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and those not related by blood but by some deep southern root, we were given the talk as we approached our destination. "Now remember boys, here in the south people say, "Yes Sir and Yes Ma'am to their elders." It actually came out more as "yessir and yes-mmm". Also, we were told to expect different foods on the table than we were accustomed to, and we were to try every food that was on our plate.

There was always a big bowl of what I knew as Lima Beans, and I also knew for a fact that there was nothing I liked about them. "Here, David Lee, have yourself a heaping helping of Butter Beans." Wait. What? Could this be a delicious cousin to the evil Lima? A buttery beauty that would make bean eating better? Nope. A Lima bean by any other name is still a Lima bean: officially Phaseolus Lunatus.

Here's an excerpt from the official chronicle of southern living--Southern Living Magazine.

"Why two terms for the same bean? Well, lima beans get their name from Peru’s capital city, Lima, where they’ve been grown for more than 9,000 years. While we can’t say with 100 percent certainty how these beans also came to be known as butter beans, we can offer a theory: See, lima beans were often disliked, so some semantics likely came into play to encourage people to eat them."

What kind of southern-fried trickery are they trying to pull here? It's a perfect example of manipulation through the Power of Suggestion. Kind of like that little girl pulling one over on her daddy who thought he was getting fried chicken: "No Daddy, it's not fried! It's Shake'n'Bake, and I helped!"

Comedian Dusty Slay is unique and wonderful. Several times during each of his stand-up bits, in between jokes, he will say, “We’re having a good time.” He explains that most comedians ask audiences if they’re having a good time, but he likes to tell them they are because it’s less risky than asking. It's become a catchphrase for him and a testament to the power of suggestion. CLICK HERE TO SEE SOME DUSTY.

nora.

In a matter of days we attended a college track meet and an elementary school track meet. I heard a phrase at both: "You've got this Kyndall!" Or, "You've got this Blaze!" Blaze clearly did not have this. Blaze didn't even really appear to be interested in having it. I guess sometimes the power of suggestion can only do so much.

We had our youngest Grand, Jeremiah with us for awhile on Saturday. He had chosen to wear his "Flash" costume from a couple of years back. We went to his favorite park which has a foot race track complete with LED clocks for both lanes. Let me say this kid is fast. But, when he stepped into the blocks and pulled up his hoodie with a lightening bolt on each side--SWOOSH. He became the manifestation of his costume.

Although I feel like the times require something, I'm not going to put on a Flash costume, but does it feel too contrived to suggest, "We've got this!?" (Question mark added for the ambivalence that surrounds the confidence.)

Bob Dylan wrote these lyrics 61 years ago in 1964, suggesting that "The Times They Are A-Changin'" They were then and they are now. And as we read in Ecclesiates: "To everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven."

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who that it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
The battle outside ragin'
Will soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'

We're having a _________ time.

IRL and the vMPFC

PRE-POST: This is a very special post, written mainly by a guest writer, at my invitation, in response to a question about life as we move through it. DO NOT assume that because my question is couched in a life transition called "retirement" that it does not apply to most every life at some point or another.

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IRL? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Oh, I know it represents "In Real Life" but what does THAT mean? Let's engage our vMPFCs: vertral Medial Prefrontal Cortex, that region of the brain that increases in activity when we are introspecting about our selfs. (Or is it selves?) How do you know when and if your are living in reality? Do we just make it up as we go and that becomes reality? Does fate deal us a hand called real life and the best we can hope for is g(G)uidance on how best to play it?

More than a few of my grade school and junior high teachers commented on my report cards that I tended to do a lot of daydreaming. A lot of that daydreaming had to do with me putting myself into fanciful roles: maybe Ringo Starr was sick and The Beatles would call and ask if I could sit in for him on drums when they played on The Ed Sullivan Show. I bet the class bully would want to be my best buddy after that.

As I'm zigging and zagging my way through a maze of finding an identity as an old retired boomer, I get lost in a sort of thought fog. The newswriting lesson of key questions I learned back in my days as a journalism major in college comes back: Who? What? Where? When? and How? Is this harmless daydreaming, self-introspection, or, as the kids say: "getting inside my own head"?

I want to know more about this. Is it productive? Why does it feel like being STUCK sometimes? Is there potential for creativity, maybe a little self-actualization here?

I need professional help. Thankfully I know a girl.

She is a "mental performance consultant".

So, Dr. Brooke Fuller: I know your main focus is on athletics, but any words for a cranky, old wayfarer whose tennis racket is gathering dust on the closet shelf?

dr. brooke fuller, her husband and our son kyle, and theIR amazing family.

Maybe this daydreaming/introspection is a blend of harmless mental wandering on your quest to continue your creative ways; or it could also be searching for answers or grappling with unresolved thoughts or emotions.

You mentioned finding an identity as an old retired boomer. My first thought was Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. Many theories discuss development up to adulthood and then stop; Erikson, as you probably already know, continues his stages through one's entire lifespan.

The eighth stage, integrity vs. despair, involves a retrospective look back at your life and either feeling satisfied that life was well-lived (integrity, which is characterized by acceptance, sense of wholeness/success, feelings of wisdom) or regretting missed opportunities or choices (despair, which is characterized by bitterness, rumination over mistakes, feeling unproductive). Retirement is one of the life events that triggers this stage.

This past week I worked on a project for a university that seems relatable. They want to better prepare their athletes when they transition out of their sport. In my presentation, I shared with them how transitioning out of their sports career can be a significant life change and result in fear or uncertainty about future plans and loss of: identity, motivation, purpose, structured routine, social support (teammates/coaches), confidence, or external validation.

Maybe retiring from a career brings similar experiences.

Introspection is a healthy practice, but it is beneficial to handle it with care. Those who take self-reflection too far, may end up feeling more anxious, stressed, and depressed than ever (Eurich, 2017). You mentioned the newswriting lesson of key questions: Who? What? Where? When? and How? It’s good you are asking these and avoid the Why? questions. Why questions can stir up negative emotions and highlight our shortcomings, whereas What questions help direct us to stay curious and positive about the future. Creativity! Self-actualization!

"What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization.” Maslow, 1943

What you can be, you must be! And I’m looking forward to it!

The realization of one’s full potential. Let’s add more introspective questions to the mix. What would your life look like here? What would have to happen to reach self-actualization? What is your full potential? What stones lie unturned? What’s next on your path to achieving your full potential? Or have you already?

Above self-actualization on the hierarchy, added later on, is self-transcendence. Realizing that we are one small part of a greater whole, and acting as such. We focus on others instead of ourselves. These experiences bring joy, peace, and a well-developed sense of awareness.

Someone who is highly self-transcendent may experience plateau-like experiences when they consistently maintain a state of higher perspective. Now, I’m not saying you have or have not reached self-actualization, but from the outside looking in, you have plowed right through to the top and hang out on the plateau landing of self-transcendence.

When it comes to productivity, daydreaming and self-introspection can be a double-edged sword. On one side, they can lead to creativity and self-actualization, as you explore ideas and reflect on experiences. On the flip side, if it feels like you're simply spinning your wheels without direction, it might seem unproductive. Out of all the athletes I’ve worked with, when they say “I can’t get out of my head,” it comes down to overthinking.

In sports, overthinking is, more often than not, unhelpful so we aim to relax the mind/relax the body, utilize effective thoughts, create goals and action plans, learn grounding techniques, implement pre-performance routines, enhance confidence and more, focus on what we can control and let go of the things we can’t…and many other awesome mental tools we use to calm the mind and quiet the rumination. Maybe some of these things can help a retired Boomer. ??

So how do you make the most out of this daydreaming, introspection, and zig zagging? Here are just a few ideas.

Embrace Creativity: Let your thoughts run free, but then take captive those creative ideas or recurring themes and run with them! Jot them down and do something with them!

Ground Yourself: When you feel stuck. Ground yourself in the present moment. This can help you shift from feeling STUCK, to a more intentional thinking. Take a walk, notice your senses, taste the food, smell the roses, hear the sounds, feel your feet on the ground, the wind in your hair (wink, wink).

Set Small Goals: If you find yourself daydreaming, to a point you are not fond of, give yourself a bit of structure. Consider which areas you'd like to explore or resolve and which ones to let go.

These moments of “thought fog” can be valuable, but the key is finding a balance that allows for both introspection and action.

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Is it okay for a guy to ask his daughter-in-law for free advice and then post it for all to see so that everyone gets free advice? If you didn't find something useful in her words, then I would suggest you read them again. If you found something you would like to explore further, visit www.fullermindset.com.

Thank you Brooke! Thank you for giving and for encouraging. Thank you for being a wonderful friend, wife to our son, mom to our grands.

Signing off now with the lyrics to a song from the mid-60s which was a part of the playlist for my first coming-of-age.

DAYDREAMIN'
By Lovin' Spoonful

What a day for a daydream
What a day for a daydreamin' boy
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
And even if time ain't really on my side
It's one of those days for takin' a walk outside
I'm blowin' the day to take a walk in the sun
And fall on my face on somebody's new mowed lawn

A BLOG POST ABOUT (DOING) NOTHING

"Here is a book that you should read!" The enthusiastic recommendation came from an always smiling lady who worked at a christian bookstore in the town where we lived. Her zeal came from a place deeper than a motivation to be a good salesperson. She held it out to me lying on her open palms as she might if she had been offering a Gutenberg Bible.

The book was "Search for Significance".

Honestly I said, "Thank you Mary. I'm glad the book has meant so much to you but, for me, I'm searching for a lot things, but I don't think significance is one of those."

Honestly, I still feel like that's true for me. Then and now, I search for peace, contentment, meaningful relationships, purpose, humor, creativity, open-minded conversation, honest faith, deep personal spirituality, solitude, and slow observation.

POPS AND JEREMIAH

Slow observation? We just returned from a trip with our boys, our beautiful daughters-in-law, and the magnificent seven: Karlee, Harper, Haddi, Nora, Everly, Malachi and Jeremiah. We stayed together in a floating cabin on Lake Murray near Ardmore, Oklahoma. My role was sitting on the dock, eating no-bake cookies, drinking coffee and watching the kids fish and beg to swim in the frigid waters. I excelled in my duties.

All I had to do was buy the train tickets, rent the cabin, buy some groceries and be otherwise insignificant. It was sublime.

I have a little book where I write down words that are new to me and intriguing. There are three that seem to fit together. I've heard them all spoken among the younger, hipper crowd. Even though I'm now neither of those, I can still get on board with these: niksen, hygge, and fika.

Let's start with Niksen. It looks like it could be a phonetic guide to pronouncing the name of another former president facing a well-deserved reckoning. But no. According to an article in Time magazine: Niksen “literally means to do nothing, to be idle or doing something without any use.” Practicing niksen could be as simple as just hanging around, looking at your surroundings or listening to music — “as long as it’s without purpose, and not done in order to achieve something or be productive."

Next up: Hygge. I didn't make note of my source on this Danish word, my notes say: hygge isn’t just a word; it’s a concept, and as such, there’s really no direct translation. Hygge is about cosiness and surrounding yourself with the things that make life good, like friendship, laughter and security, as well as more concrete things like warmth, light, seasonal food and drink.

How about Fika? It’s a moment to slow down and appreciate the good things in life. From the book, Fika: The Art of the Swedish Coffee Break, “Functioning as both a verb and a noun, the concept of fika is simple. It is the moment that you take a break, often with a cup of coffee, but alternatively with tea, and find a baked good to pair with it. You can do it alone, you can do it with friends. You can do it at home, in a park or at work. But the essential thing is that you do it, that you make time to take a break: that’s what fika is all about.”

THESE DAYS I SEARCH for niksen, hygge and fika. Significance? I can take it or leave it. Now if you'll excuse me; My Amazing-Missus has made a strawberry ice cream pie. I'm going to brew a cup of dark roast and watch some Women's College World Series action.

for Old Men

Wendell: That's very linear Sheriff.
Sheriff Ed Tom Bell: Well, age will flatten a man.

― Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

Old Joe Biden is working to overcome the fact that he's old. The guy that's highlighting the fact that Joe's no spring chicken is none other than old TrumpleOrangeSkin himself, arguably the most un-selfaware person on the planet.

I'm old too. Not as old as either of them, but I'm not running for president. In fact, I'm not running much at all; unless you count running from old age. It's not that I'm in denial (would I know it if I wasn't?), I just enjoy living in the past.

Past. Present. Future. Your most basic timeline of life. I'm not a fan of a linear view of life, however. Maybe it's because the Past part of my timeline takes up the most space by far these days and expands by the minute. Our youngest Grand-Guy, "J", spent the night with us recently along with his older brother. J's Past section is very short, only four years. In his mind it's even shorter. For the most part, any time he is telling you a story from the past, he starts with, "Last night..." As in: "Last night my sister broke my arm." "Last night I caught a little fish and my Daddy wanted me to kiss it."

Using that little time trick to shorten my Past section wouldn't work for me. I tend to remember 1968 better than I remember Last Night. I should begin my reminiscenses with, "Back in the 1900s...

Sometimes I worry that I'm wasting the Present section worrying about the Future section. A sample: What if Trump is elected to a second term? What if he's not? Will he incite a civil war? Have I saved enough to get us through our retirement years with a little something left for the kids? Will there be a church, a church grounded in the love and grace and seeking the example of Christ, instead of one that's tied to politics where people believe that our Hope rests in filling government with people who call themselves Republican, mistakenly assuming that brand is synonymous with integrity, good judgement, good character and Christ-following. A church where my grandkids learn the value of honesty, honor and humility, where they will be able to raise their kids and grow old. Will the transfer portal and sports betting ruin college sports? Will I get hit by a car while riding my bicycle? etc.

A straight timeline is not really how I view life. I have vivid memories and enjoy recounting events of my life, both big and little, but I don't think of them as happening along a line. There are set backs, detours, u-turns. I do remember a few dates along a line: my birthday, the year I graduated from high school, our anniversary and My Amazing-Missus' birthday. I know Christmas Day is 12/25, New Years Day is 1/1, The Fourth of July is the fourth of July and Cinco de Mayo is May 5. Other than that I just don't remember dates. It's not a cognitive deficiency, that's just not the way I recount life. Now, My Amazing-Missus on the other hand remembers the date of every significant event. She can tell you the birthday of our entire extended family and if she knows you at all she knows your birthday too. I don't have that gift, and since June 16,1972, she has questioned just why on God's green and warming earth I've never been able to remember my own mother's birthday.

Here at seventy-something on the timeline, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm feeling non-youth-like. I hate to type this out loud for fear of bringing karma down on myself, but so far: I have my own teeth (cleaned and checked every 6 months), no hearing aids, although some may think I'm not listening sometimes. I can still sort and fill my own pill case. The vision isn't what it once was, but I can still see down the future side of the timeline a bit. Still; I have to go to way too many doctor's appointments--the routine follow-up kinds of stuff. I think the situation is that they have my Medicare number and they're not afraid to use it to send a big bill through for these check ups. I know I'm old because I get hugely annoyed when I have to sit for an hour or so in a waiting room, to go in a little room to be poked around on for three or four minutes and told to see the lady on the way out, "Make sure she has your medicare and supplement card and make a follow-up appointment for next year's poking and prodding session."

I was going to write a particularly pithy sentence, but I've lost my train of thought. More often not, the train goes into a tunnel and comes out on a different track. But, I could still beat a "very stable genius" on a cognitive test any day of the week or at any point along the timeline.