MY GOOD FRIEND DOUG
/If you have had a conversation of length with me since the early 70s, you have probably heard me say something like:
- My good friend Doug says...
- My good friend Doug tells this story about...
- My good friend Doug wrote in one of his books...
Doug Manning was our pastor when we were newlyweds. And, he has been our "pastor" until his passing on January 27, 2025. The fact is though that he will continue to be our pastor as long as we both shall live--and maybe beyond. Our kids and grandkids have heard so many Doug stories; they're like an ingredient baked in to who we are.
I'm using the word "pastor" here in the sense of a shepherd, a guide, a spiritual mentor. I have been so fortunate to have had a few of that type in my life. The first was my father. Dad and Doug were both pastoring churches in Tulsa when they became friends. Doug spoke at Dad's memorial service. I remember the entire sermon: "We don't need a sermon today. If you are here then you knew Bill Fuller. And, if you knew Bill then you knew his life was the sermon." And he sat down.
There have been two times that Doug was also our pastor in a church leader role: in the 70s at Southern Hills Baptist Church in Tulsa, and then in the early 20-teens we started a church together in Oklahoma City. Doug wanted to call it "The Church of the Pissed-Off Baptists", but we figured we wouldn't be able to find a building large enough, so we went with Kindling Community. It was a wonderful, eclectic group with wildly and widely diverse faith views and worldviews, all focused on the exploring of ways to be followers of Jesus in the 21st century. It was amazing, and endured until Doug's eyesight made it nearly impossible for him to read and prepare.
It was the pastoring in between the church gigs that have come to mean the most to me. My Amazing-Missus and I met with Doug almost every Friday night for many years for dinner and to spend the evening discussing life. No subject was off limits.
When Covid forced all indoors, we started a group that met once a week through Zoom, the online meeting utility. I have long been fascinated by a group called The Inklings. They met regularly in a pub in Oxford, England. The members included J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. We decided we would fashion our Covid-era Zoom meeting after The Inklings. We called it the Quarantine Tavern and although the pandemic has subsided we still meet nearly every Sunday night. Doug has missed the last few meetings. The cancer that had come on him with vengeance caused him pain and fatigue.
My last communication with him was a text he sent to me Sunday afternoon, January 26, just hours before he passed. In the text he told me the doctors had no good news for him and he ended with these words: "the cancer is back and it’s very very very, very growing very fast so Tuesday I have another CAT scan and Wednesday I have an appointment with him and then he made me go ahead and get an appointment with my another appointment with my radiologist so I don’t know where we are, but he did end up by saying I don’t think I can give you a good outlook or a good answer so that’s where I am. I’m not in as much pain. I’m happy I’m relaxed and I’m not bored a whole lot about anything, but I thought maybe the group should know where things are. Hope y’all have a good meeting tonight."
So this guy who has authored more than 50 books, traveled the world speaking on the issues of death and grief, is taking the time to tell a group of friends the truth and then wishing us well on a meeting he won't be able to attend.
I could go on and on and on, so I decided to boil it down to a Letterman-style Top 10.
Things I learned from Doug:
#10. Pay close attention.
#9. Listen carefully and deeply.
#8. When it comes to regrets, learn the lesson and move on.
#7. Hurt people hurt people.
#6. Barbara Streisand was right: "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."
#5. Keep your cussing current.
#4. You can't behave your way into a relationship with God. You just have to believe and deeply hold on to the fact that He loves you and see what that does for your behavior.
#3. There's more good theology in "The Velveteen Rabbit" than is delivered in many pulpits on any given Sunday.
#2. Be wary of those who only quote scripture from the Old Testament and Paul's letters.
#1. Don't forget to write.
Let me say this about that last one. It is a line from the movie "Finding Forrester". It's about an older man and a younger one. They both want the best for each other. Their common ground is writing. Doug and I shared a love for writing. In the movie, the older man is going off on a trip and the younger one tells him, "Don't forget to write” - using the old line offered so many times in a farewell, but with the twist of holding one another accountable to write, to create, to strive to be a better version of ourselves. Often we would say goodbye, one of us would say, "Don't forget to write."
That is who Doug was to me. How can you not love someone who you know cares for you unconditionally? How can you not be broken hearted at their passing? It's selfish I know. But it's real. I hurt for his amazing family. They have generously shared Doug with me, My Amazing-Missus, and all the others he touched so deeply.
Doug was the last of a generation for me. It makes me miss my father even more. Now I'm the old guy for sure. I have no one left who is older that I can call on. But I do have the treasure of having had those people in my life. That's enough for now.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here and there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For another union, a deeper communion
--T.S. Eliot