HABIT FORMING

I STARTED TO CALL THIS PIECE “7 Habits of Highly Effective Old Guys”, but I don’t have any evidence that my theories are valid. I haven’t studied a group of grandfathers, pawpaws, or even pops. Let’s call this researchless speculation.

The second problem with this exercise is that I’m treading on a sacred path. I’m daring to dabble with THE book: “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey. I’m aware that this ranks up there with the King James Version of the Bible, “Atlas Shrugged” by Ayn Rand, and “Animal Farm” by George Orwell, as texts on the high shelf of many.

I’ve read all of these. I’ve even heard Stephen R. Covey teach the book live many years ago. I like the book. Although I’ve always been skeptical of books that tout formulas like: three keys to this or four steps to that, my satirical reimagining is not meant to diminish or devalue the work at all.

Enough of the qualifying. Any more and I’m violating this first Habit.

Here’s how this works: I’ll start with Mr. Covey’s Habit and an excerpt from his writings and then I’ll offer an alternative that might be useful for us men-of-a-certain-age.

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 1: Be Proactive.
Take responsibility for your reaction to your experiences, take the initiative to respond positively, and improve the situation.

POPS’ HABIT 1: Be active.
Move around, go somewhere, do something. Remember, while we are human-beings, we can also be humans-doing.

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 2: Begin with the end in mind.
Envision what you want in the future so you can work and plan towards it.

POPS’ HABIT 2: Begin with NOW.
Oh sure, I get what he’s saying, but do you get what I’m saying: the future is right now. “So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.” Matthew 6:34 The Living Bible.

Or as the bumper sticker I had on my VW Bus said: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 3: First things first.
This is where he encourages you to organize everthing into a quadrant according to urgency and importance.

POPS’ HABIT 3: Fiber, hydration and exercise then all the rest.
Don’t waste time on quadrants and anaylsis. By this time in life you know what you would like to do. Make sure you feel your best for the journey.

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 4: Think Win-Win
Value and respect people by understanding a "win" for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution.

POPS’ HABIT 4: You win some, you lose some, move on.
I don’t disagree with Stephen, but if politics, religion, masks and vaccines have taught us anything… “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 NIV.

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
This creates an atmosphere of positive problem-solving.

POPS’ HABIT 5: Seek to understand.
At this stage of life, for me, I’m going to shoot for that. I think if I can just seek to understand, I’ve done what I can do. They don’t need or want me explaining anything to them.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” —Atticus Finch to Scout. “To Kill A Mockingbird”.

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 6: Synergize.
Combine the strengths of people through positive teamwork, so as to achieve goals that no one could have done alone.

POPS’ HABIT 6: Be catalytic.
Here’s my idea of a catalyst: someone who brings others together around a common passion or pursuit, making good things happen.

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STEPHEN’S HABIT 7: Sharpen the saw.
Balance and renew your resources, energy, and health to create a sustainable, long-term, effective lifestyle.

POPS’ HABIT 7: Be a saw sharpener.
Read to your grandkids, create opportunities for seeing, learning, exploring. Give generously to open doors for others to know, see and experience more.

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Covey’s metaphor here is that a sharp saw will cut more, more efficiently and cleanly. Let me throw another tool metaphor into the box. Abraham Maslow said, “If the only tool you have is a hammer you tend to see every problem as a nail.” He’s right. For us men-of-a-certain-age, we should have several tools to offer and a bit of wisdom in how to use them.

That’s it. Hopefully I haven’t committed heresy for those who believe Covey’s words are sacrosanct. Do I believe my version of the 7 Habits are the end all, be all of life as grandfathers know it? Heck NO. Remember I’m the guy who doesn’t trust magic formulas. So, why? It’s raining outside, so I decided to write something.

WHO'S NUMBER ONE?

LET’S SAY YOU ARE ASKED TO SIT AT A TABLE. On the table are several items and you are asked to choose one. Your choice is a predictor of your future life. At least that’s the tradition in some cultures. It’s called a picking or choosing ceremony and it is usually done at a child’s first birthday party.

My cursory research on the ceremony lead me to understand that items like paper money are set out and symbolizes that the child will be wealthy if it is chosen. A toy sword represents a successful career in the military. Books, scrolls, and calligraphy brushes or pen and paper represent the child being a scholar or a starving artist.

Based on who I have become, I’m guessing that the things I chose from the items my parents set before me included a drum, a Snickers bar, a pen and notebook, and a pizza.

Who knows at one year old who they will be? It takes a few miles along the road for the journey to matter and make sense. It’s a whole lot easier at 70 to see destiny than it is at One. Abraham Maslow said, “What a man can be, he must be.” That’s true whether you’re One or 70.

For me that means being Pops! I can be that and I must be that. Once again this dang pandemic is standing in the way of my plans. For example:

TODAY. JANUARY 19, 2021 IS JEREMIAH FULLER’S FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!

First Birthdays are a key event for self-acutualized grandfathers who have embraced the high calling of spoiling the Grand-Kids.

Jeremiah is the youngest of our Grand-Kids. His mom and dad are Brooke and Kyle. Somehow they, along with Jeremiah’s siblings: Haddi, Everly, and Malachi, are going to have to provide a worthy party and celebration to make up for the fact that his Pops and Mimi are elderly and at this point have had only the first vaccination of two to try and stay alive so we can attend his second birthday party.

I’m no seer, but I know a thing or two about our Grand-Kids including the Birthday Boy. All of these kids are loved (and sometimes tough-loved), nurtured, and cared for. They are given opportunities to explore, create, discover, and grow.

If Jeremiah’s parents were to put a bunch of items on the table for him to choose from I have no idea what he would pick, but I’m pretty sure the next day he could very well choose something else. I know this: Jeremiah will be happy, he will love and serve others, he will nurture his soul and know deeply he is a child of God. He will be beautiful and handsome. On occasion, because he is an adventurer, he will try the patience of his parents but they will always know he loves them. And he will know he’s loved unconditionally.

So for this First Birthday we’ll have to make the most of things. His Mimi has sent him a party pack with goofy hats and stuff. His Pops has written this post to say, “I’m sorry we can’t be there with you little buddy. Please forgive us. Can you feel the Happy Birthday vibes we’re sending to you in Alva, Oklahoma, from our pandemic bunker here in Oklahoma City?”

You have our full-fledged, unwavering love on your birthday and every day.

OUR NAME

“FULLER, FULLER, FULLER?” said my fiancée’s grandfather, stroking his chin, when she introduced me to him for the first time. “I’ve known some sorry ones and I’ve known some good ones. Most of them were sorry,” he concluded.

MY FUTURE GRANDFATHER-IN-LAW (AND WHO KNOWS WHO THE LADIES ARE)

I never did figure out which category he finally sorted me into. If it mattered to him that his beautiful grandgirl was about to become a FULLER, he didn’t show it.

I’ve never minded being Fuller; and by that I mean having that word as a last name. I’ve also never minded being a Fuller family member. (Hopefully the feeling is mutual.) Oh there was that time that a P.E. teacher/frustrated coach gave me a knickname, as he liked to do for all of his P.E. protégés. He liked to use his knicknames for us when he called roll. The guy before me, Doug Filmore was “Feel less”. Then came “Fulla-crap”. That was me. Fortunately, his knicknames didn’t catch on. Although he may have been somewhat prophetic.

Some of our very best friends are Smiths and Joneses. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a more common last name like Johnson and live on a street like Elm, rather than a name that people surprisingly have to clarify: “Did you say Ford?” “No, Fuller, like the brush man.” Then if they’re under 60: “The what?” It’s Fuller: “F-U-L-L-E-R!” “We live on Chateaux—the X is silent. Have you never been to New Orleans?”

Fuller isn’t an uncommon name, but it’s rare enough that when I hear it, my radar goes up. Could we be related? Is this someone I would be happy to share a name with? In some cases; yes. Often, I’m so pleased to see another Fuller, I talk about it; or, post some newsworthy story, etc.

Take Sarah Fuller for example. If that name rings a bell, Sarah is a soccer player at Vanderbilt U. in Nashville. Poor Vanderbilt did not have a great year in football. In their last few games their roster was COVID depleted including their placekicker. Sarah was called on and became the first female in a “Power 5” conference to kick and score in an NCAA game. Even though I would happy to say we are related; we are not (as far as you know), except we’re both Fullers and two of all God’s children.

SARAH FULLER

My Amazing-Missus and I have two children, both sons. I am proud to share the name with them. If My Amazing-Missus’s Papa had known our boys, he would’ve had to say, “FULLER? I’ve know some great ones!” Our boys, in chronological order, are Corey and Kyle.

Maybe you’ve heard of Corey Fuller who played for the Detroit Lions and his younger brother Kyle who still plays for the Chicago Bears. As far as you know, there is no relation, other than the fact that we’re all Fullers and all God’s children.

COREY FULLER

KYLE FULLER

This brings to mind a song by the Avett Brothers, “Murder In The City” that my son Corey introduced me to. From the lyrics:

Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name

When I was around 7 or 8 or so, my parents owned a bakery. One of their specialties was fried pies. I remember the slogan printed on the packaging of those pies—sweet marketing genius: “Fuller Pies, Better Because They’re Fuller!”

Without fail, at a table, at the end of a big meal, if anyone at all would say, “I’m full!” My Dad would reply, “I’m Fuller. Glad to meet ya.”

My Dad made being Fuller funner; and sometimes serious. He bore the name proudly as did my Mom and as does my little brother, Dr. George Edward (Rusty) Fuller.

That Avett Brothers song, that I mentioned earlier, also has a verse that goes like this:

I wonder which brother is better
Which one our parents love the most
I sure did get in lots of trouble
They seemed to let the other go
A tear fell from my father's eyes
I wondered what my dad would say
He said, "I love you and I'm proud of you both
In so many different ways

I love all of our Grand-Girls immensely, so don’t get me wrong here, and I know it sounds old-fashioned, and could be construed as diminishing, but I am so glad to have two little Grand-Boys, Malachi David and Jeremiah Kent, who will always be known as FULLER… some of the good ones.

2020 gets blamed and battered a lot, as if all this crap we’ve lived with these past months has been its fault. I do hope 2021 will be better, healthier, more peaceful, more hopeful.

Here’s my wish for you: A FULLER New Year.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE AVETT BROTHERS SING THEIR SONG.

PAST PRESENT FUTURE

IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY 2020. Our Grand-Kids aren’t here, the pandemic is—well not right here in our bunker, but it’s just outside our door.

This is Christmas Past—1951. In two weeks I will be One.

My Christmas memories are a full sensory kaleidoscope made up of real trees, lights, tinsel, parades in downtown Tulsa, visiting Santa at Utica Square, music, candy, happy happy times.

Looking back, I know that Dad & Mom didn’t have a lot, but there was always an abundance. I remember waking and running into the living room on Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought. By about noon our eyes would be able to focus on the gifts. You see, Dad had an 8mm movie camera and attached to the top of that camera was a bank of blinding flood lights that literally made seeing what was under the tree an occasion of deferred gratification. He would position himself and his camera and light array so he could capture our expression as we came in the room. All of our Christmas morning movies are of me and my little brother trying to shield our rods and cones from the harsh rays.

This year will be the first Christmas without either of my parents. Dad passed in the summer of 2019 and Mom just a few days ago: pneumonia from COVID-19. I say that COVID took my Mom, which is medically true but also humanly speaking. My Mom loved Christmastime, all of it. The forced aloneness of the pandemic was slowly draining the life from her. I’m not sure she could have tolerated a Covid Christmas. As I’ve watched news of people in nursing homes getting the vaccine I can’t help but wonder: if she could have made it just a few more weeks…

This is Christmas present.

The only wrapping paper strewn across our living room floor is from the present my Amazing-Missus gave to me. We watched the unwrapping of gifts for the Grand-Kids via Facetime®. It’s not the same. Maybe I will tune in to Peppa Pig later, just because. In the meantime, I’m writing this essay while listening to The Beatles’ “Revolver” album. As I said, This is Christmas present.

That gift that I unwrapped, the one my Amazing-Missus gave me! I have to tell you about it.

I have always had a tendency to dream big and do little—sort of like Clark Griswald, dreaming of a pool in the backyard and a Norman Rockwell Christmas. Here’s an example: I have a dream house—sort of like Barbie’s but bigger and less pink. I have pictures of this house. I have chosen the rock for the exterior and all the stuff for the interior finishes. The only things lacking are a lot to build it on and any intention of actually doing so.

This morning I unwrapped my gift. It was a round tube. She said, “This is a gift you will never use.”

“A treadmill?” I guessed.

I have a good friend who is one of Oklahoma’s best architects. When I opened the tube, inside were blueprints for my dream house. My amazing Amazing-Missus had contacted my friend and now I have a set of plans for the house that may very well always remain just a dream.

That’s characteristic of Christmas Future. Sort of uncertain. This holiday season has reminded me that life is fragile. Oh! Don’t get me wrong! I would love to one day see our Grand-Kids opening presents in the living room of that dream home.

So, 69 Christmases have come and gone for me. Past, present and future, I know this: that story the one about that baby born in Bethlehem? That’s what matters. I’m not trying to sound holy. I’m telling you what I know, what I’ve experienced. The only lasting peace, the only enduring love, the only truth; is in THAT story.

In the meantime, want to see POPS’ DREAM HOUSE? Maybe you could pretend to come and visit us there.