Let's Be Honest

Several weeks ago in a post called “Finding The Knot”, I wrote about the value of having a group we are connected to; like what C.S. Lewis called “a little knot of friends who turn their backs to the World,” referring to his Knot, The Inklings. I continued to explore the idea: What are these groups like? Do I have a Knot of my own? Would anyone want me in their Knot? Who would I want in mine?

The Inklings

I promised in another post that I would identify some people I would love to have in the Knot, that I would interview them, and then report back. This has proven to be a real challenge. Not so much the identifying part, but the interviewing part and then reducing that down to a reasonable length for a post. So, I’ve cogitated, formulated and procrastinated, but have not yet articulated. Until now.

Doug Manning

If I have a Knot, in the strictest sense of the definition, it would be My Amazing Missus and our friend Doug Manning. We meet fairly regularly, go out to eat, many times trying out new places. Then we usually go back to Doug’s place and talk. There is never a spoken agenda, but discussion is always lively, meaningful (to us) and occasionally spirited. We talk about family, current events, music, religion, faith, art, and Tulsa. You see the journey for the three of us began in Tulsa. We were newlyweds, and Doug became our mentor and sage and pastor.

[NOTE: You need to know that I am using the term “pastor” here in a very traditional sense of the latin word which means “to shepherd”, as in Jeremiah 3:15, “Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding.” I am not using it in the more modern sense of an authoritarian, arrogant, fundamentalist, czar-like potentate-wanna-be.]

I’ve been very fortunate to have mentor/sage/pastor type people in my life: Doug, a man named Chalon Meadows, and my Dad. My Dad taught me by example to value spiritual disciplines, to be a lifetime learner, to pay close attention. What I didn’t learn from my Dad was just how mean and ugly “good christians” could be. You see as a pastor, my Dad lead humbly and joyfully. He didn’t sit around our house talking about how conniving and destructive powerbrokers in the church could be. So I learned it first hand.

I came out of the experience bitter and disillusioned and done with church. Weirdly enough, I had a conversation with a guy who was old enough to be my parent, in fact, he and my Mom had been high school classmates. His name was Floyd Craig. In this conversation I told Floyd about my newly-formed disdain for the church (at least my perception of it). He gave a knowing and understanding laugh, and said, “I have someone you need to meet.” That person was Doug Manning.

Not only did Doug help me find my way, but an enduring relationship began—not just for me, but for Arlene and I as a newlywed couple. As for Chalon Meadows, his grace and loving leadership along with a wonderful crustiness, allowed me a way back in to church. Chalon is gone now, but I count it one of the grandest blessings of my life to still have my Dad and Doug. All three of us are veterans of the “ministry” (they, much more decorated than I), and we are all navigating anew the transformation of “church”.

I hope that gives you a sense of why the Knot is so tight for Arlene, Doug and me. The nature of our little Knot gets me to the first key ingredient in Knotdom: it is a place of honesty and the freedom to be vulnerable.

[NOTE: When I speak of vulnerability here, I have in mind the amazing work of Brene Brown. “Thank you” to two more of my knot-mates, my muse, Kathleen, and our friend Trudy for introducing me to Ms. Brown. If you haven’t seen her Ted Talk, watch it here: BRENE BROWN ON VULNERABILITY  It’s 20 minutes long. Only click to watch if you can watch it in its entirety.]

In the next post, I will share the results of my interview with Doug and My Amazing-Missus.

P.S.: I hope I haven't sound too old, cranky and bitter in this post. While I am old and often cranky,  I'm really not bitter. So don't feel like you necessarily have to add me to your pray list; yet.

Testing 1, 2, 3.

I'M NOT AN ELECTRICIAN OR AN ENGINEER. Luckily, you don’t have to show some kind of license or certificate when you go to Home Depot® to buy a pair of wire strippers or vice grips, because like most guys, I don’t let knowledge, or the lack of it, get in the way of taking things apart and trying to put them together again.

As a kid, I remember the intrigue of attaching wires together to see what would happen. One such memory is burned into my cerebral circuitry. It was probably second grade and time for the school science fair. My parents were very busy. They were bakers at the time, making pies for the early morning deliveries. I took it upon myself to create a blue-ribbon science fair entry.

We definitely could have hung out together.

I found an extension cord, cut off the feminine end, stripped the wires back and taped them to the legs of a little metal folding chair. I strapped my little brother in and was just about to plug in my certain-to-be-award-winning entry, when my mom noticed, screamed, and the rest is a blur. Despite other, later experiments on my brother, he’s still here today.

One of my favorite and successful, projects started with finding an old record player in a pile of junk someone had dumped onto the Arkansas riverbed near our house. Its tubes were missing, but I used the turntable parts, wired around the internal amp to another working amp and voila!

So, four paragraphs in now, let me say, this is a post about connections. I had an english teacher once who critized my writing because, “it takes you too long to get to the point.” Well, I have a blog now, so… there.

For several posts now, I’ve been talking about having a "knot"—a group of people to hang out with, talk with; connect with. I realize my metaphor is a bit flawed now, in an age where everything is becoming more wireless. But I really like the picture of relationships being like wired together. Even the picture that sometimes wires fray and sparks fly.

Tonight I’m meeting with a little knot of people I treasure. We meet almost every Friday night. They are the first two people I’m interviewing as a part of the series I promised in my last blog post. I’m hoping to wrap up the interview tonight so I can write about it over the weekend.

Until then, may your connections be strong and your tubes burn brightly.

Finding the Knot

So...

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Bert and Ernie
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Team
The Tribe

To review: a couple of posts back, in a little essay titled, Keeping Company I mentioned a group called The Inklings. It's the kind of group that C.S. Lewis described as "a little knot of friends who turn their backs to the World."

As I said, I would like to have a group like that—a Knot, if you will. To explore the idea further, I started with identifying "six" people I would like to invite to a dinner. These people wouldn't actually be in the Knot, but in going through the process of who to invite, maybe, I thought, I can discover something about myself and the kind of people I could potentially be in a group with.

If you take a look at my "six": David Letterman, Flannery O'Connor, Paul McCartney & John Lennon, Tina Fey & Amy Poehler, Yo Yo Ma, and Atticus Finch, some elements are evident: humor, music, creativity, gregariousness, a strong B.S. filter, and a certain, healthy irreverence.

Maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know for sure, I've never been a girl. But it seems like guys like to be a part of the something. Maslow called it "Belonging" needs. Back when I was a kid, guys had clubs and lodges they could join. I'm not sure what all went on, because by the time I was old enough to join in and find out, Gloria Steinem had burned her bra and all males were chauvinistic pigs. Now don't get me wrong. I'm happy for women, and probably would have said something like, “You go girl!” had I ever met Ms. Steinem; but I will admit, I would have liked to go to one of those lodges where guys wore funny-looking hats and had a secret handshake, and maybe smoked a cigar and acted like big shots and maybe had a bowling team.

Now, men seem to be relegated to impromptu little gatherings at places like McDonald’s or The IHOP where they can drink cheap coffee, and complain about the dang democrats. That's not the kind of Knot I'm looking to be a part of. I'm not even sure I would want to go bowling with those guys.

The fact is, the Knot is already forming in my mind. (Wow, out of context that sounds ugly and ominous.) What I mean is, I already know some of these people and we're actually loosely knotted now. They may not look at it that way, but I do. 

So here's my plan: over the next few months, I'm going to interview these people, these potential Members of the Knot, and introduce them here at About Pops (if they'll let me that is). So stay tuned.