THE END

I GREW UP in a tradition that was facinated with End Times speculation. Preachers, waving their King James Bible, painting a picture, predicting and prophesying about the return of One who said, without irony or stammering, "But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only," found a sure-fire way to pack the house on Friday night of the revival meeting. Announcing all week long that Friday would be the night to look at signs of the end times was sort of click-baity; as is this first paragraph teasing readers to read on.

However, this post isn't about THOSE end times, but... Let's continue.

Kids these days with their acronyms. KWIM? In this little essay, I'm going to try to have some fun, make a point, and procure a silent "amen", all without getting too cute or fatalistic.

I worked for years in an industry with a 55 gallon drum full of alphabet soup of acronyms. It's an industry highly regulated by the "government". [And we all know those Feds love themselves some acronyms--FBI, CIA, HUD, BOP, DOJ, DOD, just to name a few plus that crowd favorite the IRS.

Our company has several departments and each of those have their own set of acronyms. Today's lesson is about one of those departments known by the simple acronym of IT. You know the one who's first answer to any computer issue is "Have you plugged it in?" followed by, "Turn it off, wait 30 seconds and turn it back on."

Two of their favorite acronyms are used when they want to buy some new equipment: EOL and E0S.

Our clothes dryer is having issues. It will heat and run all day. That's the issue: it will run all day. The timer/sensor/really expensive part is broken. So to keep from burning the house down we have to set a timer to remember to check on the dryer. As it goes with things like appliance life these days, you can call a repairman, add up his trip charge, his minimum charge and the cost of the part, plus the Trump Tariff upcharge. Then crunch those numbers together and realize that for another 5 or 6 bucks you can just buy a new one.

For me: Pops—a 1951 model—I have not reached EOL, yet. Ask My Amazing Missus and she might tell you that she suspects that I have reached EOS. [In case you're still guessing: EOL is End Of Life, and EOS is End Of Service.]

Last Saturday we found ourselves in an appliance store. She was politely listening to the salesguy talk about the features and reasons for jumping up from the TD5 model to the DEEEluxe TRD7 "which is heavy duty yet gentle (kind of like your husband here) with an all-metal transmission for years of quiet dependable service."

Years? That's the operative word here. I was quietly figuring in my head our EOTIOOHBMTTLRUHFS. Of course you'll recognize that acronym as the End Of Time In Our Own Home Before Moving To The Last Roundup Home For Seniors.

Haskell the salesman had now transitioned to explaining the heightened quality of life we will have because of owning the TRD7 to extolling the TRW7--the washing machine of this made in heaven pair.

The 7 in the model apparently stood for seven year warranty. "Do we need anything with a seven year warranty?" I wondered quietly to myself, pondering end times scenarios.

I scanned across the rows of shiny appliances. I became terror-struck. Our freezer in the garage is more than 25 years old. Our refrigerator--more than 20. Our mattress? Who knows? Under the threat of prosecution from some federal agency I ripped the tag off of it years ago. Crap! Now I'm fearful that Kristi Noem might show up with a van load of goons to haul me off to Aligator Alcatraz. What an ending that would be.

Can I count on these old appliances to see us through to the next phase? "Just out of curiosity Haskell, the appliance salesman, what does a refrigerator like that one there run these days with tariffs and all?"

"Let me show you one with a chest freezer below, double doors up top and a frozen snack drawer for the grandkids, Plus ice and water in the door!" "This one is three-grand, but if you don't mind a dent and ding special, we can fix you up for under $2500."

Having a few dents, dings and leaks myself, I can relate. And why not give one of these, which is a little marred through no fault of its own, a nice home.

We've sort of been saving up for a storm shelter, given we live in tornado alley. The thought crossed mind that if we're going to have a shelter and thus take a big step in potentially extending our lives, maybe we will need the W/D pair with the 7-year warranty. Could we outlive them? Sure. Could we live without them? Sure. If only we had a spring-fed stream running through our backyard; with a box of detergent, a couple of smooth rocks and a clothesline we could do our laundry like our grandparents before us.

I'm confident a pair of rocks have a very distant EOL. And, after all, isn't that what we're all hoping for? For us and our appliances?