Make My Day

I'll admit it: I'm a fan of Catherine Townsend--well of her writing anyway. I don't know her personally although I would love to have coffee with her in a very public place (she scares me a little).

Her latest piece in The Atlantic, "How to Fight Like a Victorian Gentleman," is a great example of her writing skills, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

She starts like this: "It’s sundown at a small park in Burbank and I’m dressed in head-to-toe black, carrying a big stick and ready to street fight, Sherlock Holmes style."

Why is this important? At this point pretty much all my friends have been licensed to carry (a gun)--some in a "concealed" fashion, others right smack on their person, out there for everyone to see.

I'm honestly not sure why everyone has decided they need to bear arms. Is there some threat I don't know about that I could actually defend myself from if I were pistol-packin'? (Other than my armed neighbors who live in my "safe, gated community.")

Don't read this as bragging but: I've been to all five Boroughs of New York City, day and night. I've been to Chicago's north side and south side. I've been to the east side of St. Louis and Skid Row in Seattle, to Bourbon Street in New Orleans, to Washington D.C. and to Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco. I've been to Amsterdam, Paris France, and Venice Italy. I've even been to Muskogee, Oklahoma in the 60s with long hair and bell-bottom jeans, driving a VW bus.

And I've never feared for my life. Well there was that one time: a "lady" in Edmond, driving an enormous SUV, wearing yoga pants (I'm guessing) and doing something on her mobile phone was in front of me at a red light. The light changed, she didn't notice. I honked. She turned, flipped me off and said something with fire in her eyes. I couldn't read her lips because of the froth flying from her mouth. It was very scary.

Nippin' it in the bud.

Now, apparently there's a new threat in the air and I need to up my defense and offense somehow. The problem is I'm more of a Sheriff Taylor kind of guy, than a Barney Fife. Speaking of whom, I would be much more comfortable in the "safer" neighborhoods of our fair city if I knew that all the newly-armed citizens had only one bullet and that bullet had to be kept in their shirt pocket.

Somewhere in a closet we have a Red Ryder BB gun. I'm not sure which closet, and I have no idea where our BB might be, but that's all the arms-bearing I plan to do. I know right now there are some out there shaking their heads at my foolish naiveté. And they are appalled at my stupidity for posting to the worldwide web that me and my Amazing-Missus are home and unarmed.

But be not dismayed. I think I've found a solution in the words of my future friend, Catherine Townsend. In the aforementioned article, Catherine tells of her training in the ancient art of bartitsu. She explains it this way:

"Bartitsu was developed by Edward Barton-Wright, a British engineer who moved to Japan in 1895. After returning to London, just before the turn of the century, he created a mixed martial art hybrid, combining elements of judo, jujitsu, British boxing, and fighting with a walking stick.

The style was promoted to the middle and upper classes during a time when they were becoming increasingly worried about the street gangs and crime publicized by the tabloid newspapers."  

Catherine boils bartitsu down:

Basically it's half historical recreation; half beating the crap out of someone with a cane.

Bartitsu is sort of cool. It was incorporated into the fight choreography of the Sherlock Holmes movies starring Robert Downey, Jr.

“There’s all sorts of locks and chokes and various other techniques used to incapacitate someone. There’s lots of throwing hats at someone’s eyes, and then striking at them, if you can, with a walking stick."

The movies helped propel what a bartitsu expert calls the “fringe of the fringe” movement into the spotlight, and attract a growing number of women. Googling will help you locate classes for guys with titles like: "Sparring With Sherlock," and for the girls: "Kicking Ass in a Corset: Bartitsu of Ladies."

Catherine read my mind and asked the obvious, important question: "But could an anachronistic art really protect me against a modern-day bad guy?" 

“Chances are your opponent isn’t going to be walking through the streets of a major world city twirling a parasol. But the classes do teach practical information about body awareness, how to target an opponent’s weak points and escape tactics that could come in handy in any situation."

So with a few lessons and a walking cane, we'll all rest better knowing I'm equipped for whatever it is that seems to be lurking in the night.

A Hat for Pops

I am glad to have grown up in an era when men wore hats. I mean real hats like fedoras and pork pies. I'm glad hats are back. Let's be clear though, I have no delusions of looking like Don Draper or Dick Tracy. But it would be cool for the Grand-girls to remember Pops' hat. You know the way you remember special, random stuff about your grandfather(s).

I remember my paternal granddad sporting a fedora, dressed in a nice suit, driving a big long Pontiac. My mom's dad wore these great little wireframe glasses that hooked behind his ears. The lenses were always pocked because he would forget to put on his goggles before firing up a cutting torch.

About this hat business--there's some great reading about hats on one of my favorite blogs:  "The Art of Manliness." It's an excellent blog, made even more appealing by the fact that it's published by a young couple in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Here's an excerpt from a post about hats:

"Up until the 1950s, men were rarely seen out and about without a hat sitting upon their head. Since that time, the wearing of hats has seen a precipitous decline. No one is precisely sure why. Some say the downfall of hats occurred when JFK did not wear a hat to his inauguration, thus forever branding them as uncool. This is an urban myth, however, as Kennedy did indeed don a hat that day. Another theory posits that the shrinking size of cars made wearing a hat while driving prohibitively difficult. Most likely, the demise of hats can simply be traced to changing styles and the ongoing trend towards a more casual look."

But hats are back.

I started my search for the perfect hat with a good on-line search. Then I visited hat stores in New York City and Austin, Texas. But Eureka! It turns out that one of the best haberdasheries anywhere is in Tulsa. It is in the historic Greenwood district, literally behind left field of OneOK Field, home of the Tulsa Drillers baseball team.

Let me tell you, if you want a proper hat selection experience you need a pro and Lemmel Fields of The Brothers Hat Shop is a pro. I highly recommend that you go visit Lemmel and let him work his magic. Make sure when you visit you plan to spend some time. Not only is Lemmel a hat expert, he's a great guy to know. Turns out he dated a high school classmate of my Amazing-Missus at Bixby High School. Check out this article about Lemmel.

Lemmel Fields of The Brothers Hat Shop in Tulsa, Oklahoma

A few days ago, I modeled my new Stetson "Dexter" for the Grand-girls. Harper, the two-year old, said, "No Pops!" She then led me to the rack in our utility room where my favorite baseball caps hang. She held up her arms, which is the universal sign for "pick me up." She then took her favorite cap from the rack, put it on my head, and proclaimed, "There!" 

I guess that's how she pictures her Pops.

Pops and Lemmel looking for the right hat.

Being POPS: Lessons Learned

In my last post, "Airstream Funding: Creative Idea #1", I appropriately gave credit to one Abraham Simpson for the tontine idea. Well it turns out that Abe Simpson is a "Pops" himself--to grandkids: Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.

Abe participated in a tontine with Homer's boss, Mr. Burns. You can check it out: The Simpsons, Season 7, Episode 22. "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'"

I came across the Abe/tontine story while doing some research on famous (or maybe infamous) grandfathers. Let's hope this is not an example of art imitating life, or worse yet: life imitating TV, but Abe does offer some fascinating insights into the world of grandfatherhood. 

Abe Simpson

Here are a few lessons I've learned about being Pops. I've used some of Abe Simpsons lines from the show to help make my points:

Lesson #1: Grandfathers get to add colorful details to make themselves seem more heroic, prolific and vital.

"Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I and they were looking for a new way to spread germs..." --Abe Simpson.

Lesson #2: Grandfathers get to be an expert on stuff like healthcare because they lived back when we knew how to do our own healthcare.

Grampa (to Bart): "Good news boy, I found a pharmacy that carries leeches. Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy, more of a bait shop."

Bart: "Look Grampa, I'm fine. I really don't need anymore home remedies."

Grampa: "Oral thermometer my eye! Think warm thoughts boy cause this is mighty cold."

Lesson #3: Grandfathers get to tell fascinating, imaginative "stories". By the way, my grand girls love to hear me tell wonderfully creative stories.

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..." --Abe Simpson

Lesson #4: Grandfathers get to embellish for effect.

Grampa: "I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Duseldorf so I rode out the rest of the war posing as a German cabaret singer.[singing] Won't you come home Frantbrelda, won't you come home."

Bart: "Is that story true Grampa?"

Grampa: "Most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the 40s. Oh, they had designers then."

Lesson #5: Grandfathers get to trust their heroes whether they are heroic or not; real or not.

Grampa: "I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George 'Goober' Lindsay."

Bart: "Grampa, Matlock's not real."

Grampa: "Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and mushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin!"

Thanks for the wisdom Abe, and for the fund-raising idea.

Airstream Funding: Creative Idea #1

If you read my last post, you know I've decided the only way to make the Airstream® dream a reality is to get creative with financing it. So here's the first idea. I should give credit where credit is due. The inspiration for this idea came from Abraham Simpson.

Create a tontine.

A tontine is an investment plan for raising capital, devised in the 17th century and relatively widespread in the 18th and 19th. It combines features of a group annuity and a lottery. Each subscriber pays an agreed sum into the fund, and thereafter receives an annuity. As members die, their shares devolve to the other participants, and so the value of each annuity increases. On the death of the last member, the scheme is wound up. In a variant, which has provided the plot device for most fictional versions, on the death of the penultimate member the capital passes to the last survivor. --from Wikipedia.

Here's how my tontine idea might work: I find 50 or so people looking for an investment opportunity. Each "investor" puts in $1,000 and they own one of fifty shares. I "lease" the Airstream from the tontine for $200 a month. 

          $200 / 50(investors)=$4 x 12(months)=$48. A 4.80% annual yield.

But who wants to make an investment that takes 20 plus years to break even? That's where the lottery fun comes in. Upon the death of each member of the tontine, their share divides among the remaining members.

So following the death of the first ten members:

          $200 / 40(investors)=$5 x 12(months)=$60. A 6.00% APY.

When half the members are gone the annual yield becomes 8.00%. And so on. Basically we go to a funeral then recalculate our earnings.

Upon my death, assuming I'm not the last to die, the Airstream is sold. The proceeds are invested in an interest-bearing account agreed upon by the remaining members. Members continue to take their annual piece of the earnings pie at the end of each year. Obviously the pieces of the earnings pie get bigger with each and every death.

Upon the death of the last remaining member, the balance in the account will be given to a previously-agreed-upon charity like Compassion International. Why would the proceeds not go to the last remaining member or his designee? Well, historically, tontines are known to result in a few coincidental, untimely deaths--perhaps people vying for that coveted last-to-die position?

One of the huge upsides of the plan is all the old pharts in the group will want to take better care of themselves since their return improves as they survive the deaths of other members. 

Obvious question: Isn't a travel trailer a lousy investment.

Not so obvious answer: If we're talking SOBs (Some Other Brand); yes, that would be true. But we're talking Airstream. They hold their value extremely well and in fact, once they reach "vintage" status at 20 years old, they actually begin to increase in value. Of course all that only matters if I'm not the last to die.

Let me know if you're interested. You have to be my age or older to play. ;-)